La mare

Bylaia

Per totes aquelles dones que segur tindrien molt que dir, però un dia van silenciar les seues veus.

Com cada any, arribava el dia en que feia X anys que havia passat. Enguany en feia 6. Tu feies per oblidar-ho, intentaves que eixe dia passara com un més de la teua vida, perquè teòricament allò no havia passat. Quan encara quedava un mes per la cita amb la por, el remordiment i el penediment, tu ja et preparaves per a l’ocasió. En realitat no volies, només desitjaves faltar a aquella cita, oblidar-la, i en això es basaven tots els teus esforços durant el mes anterior, en fer altres coses que borraren la quedada del cap. Però allò només feia que ho recordares més: intentar oblidar és recordar. Moltes vegades no ens n’adonem que l’oblit arriba sol, que no es pot forçar, perquè pensar en l’oblit d’una cosa significa recordar-la. El teu afany és en va.

Tot i els esforços, arribava i el dia i acudies a la cita,ben puntual, com un nen cregut. Enguany era especial. T’havies alçat, i ho havies recordat, perfectament. Havies saludat la teua filla, la cosa que més volies al món i a l’única de li devies la vida, i havies marxat a prendre cafè alhora que, melangiós, llegies el periòdic. Com cada any, per aquell dia, enguany era el dia de la dona, el 8 de març, i periòdics i revistes s’omplien d’articles reivindicant llibertats i drets per a les dones, exposant la gran feina revolucionària d’aquestes al llarg del temps, contant històries cruels que elles havien viscut. T’agradava llegir tot allò, et provocava una síntesi de fàstic i rebuig gratificant. Després d’un matí incòmode i lúgubre anecdòticament amb un sol brillant, havies marxat a casa. Havies fet el dinar i havies cridat la teua filla. Ella va aparéixer amb el millor dels seus somriures, com sempre ho havia fet, i va seure a taula. Mentre dinàveu ella t’havia parlat dels estudis, de com li agradava la carrera que estava fent, de com en sabia la mare quan li aconsellava que estudiara allò. El simple so del pronunciament del seu nom t’intimidava: la mare… Et descol·locava sentir parlar d’ella, et desconcentrava i et posava nerviós, un nerviós que no es podia ocultar a la vista de la resta. Afortunadament eren poques les vegades que et parlaven d’ella, però quan ho feien reaccionaves d’una manera distinta, treies un “JO” que no era el teu, un interior incomprensible. Aquell dia li havies dit a la teua estimada filla que si, que la mare en sabia molt, d’estudis, però que on era ara la mare, que si era ella la que li estava pagant una carrera, que si era sa mare la que l’escoltava cada nit, que si l’havia cuidada sa mare durant tots estos anys, i que et semblava una falta de respecte que la nomenara i l’alabara en la teua presència, mentre pegaves mil i un cops a la taula. La teua nena, pàl·lida, fora de lloc, sense entendre què passava allà, va amagar la mirada dirigint-la al plat d’arròs, i després d’un silenci trencador i molt incòmode, es va alçar d’una revolada i et va cridar a tota veu que estava ben segura que la mare havia marxat per raons de pes, que si és que encara era viva sabia que algun dia tornaria i ho explicaria tot, perquè la mare els estimava molt i no els haguera abandonat sense raons. Envermellida i enfurismada, d’una revolada t’havia dit ademés que on estaves tu els anys que la mare si que hi era, que quantes nits havies arribat a casa sobri, i que si alguna vegada li havies aconsellat sobre què podia estudiar. Això si que era una falta de respecte, t’havia dit.Ella se n’havia anat corrent a l’habitació i havia fet tremolar la casa d’una portada, i tu havies callat. Havies callat i no havies sabut dir res. I diuen que qui calla, atorga.

Minuts després havies marxat al camp, i mentre llauraves la terra les llàgrimes rodolaven cara avall, fins tocar-te el coll i fer-te retòrcer de fred. Perquè les llàgrimes venien del teu interior, i aquest estava ple de gelor, de mentida, de falsedat, de repugnància, de masclisme,de vertader fàstic, d’alcohol, de violència, de por… La teua filla t’havia tocat amb el polze la ferida més gran que duies al cor. I és que enguany feia 6 anys que després d’una nit d’alcohol i sexe forçat i imprudent l’havies matada, a la mare.

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